Jokes

[nexusmaximus]

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, £4; chicken sandwich, £5; handjob, £20."

He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She said, "Yeah."

He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

[nexusmaximus]

Two priests turn up at a Bucking bronco tournament, they decide to enter.

The first priest climbs on and only manages to last 10 seconds.

The second priest tries his luck next, and holds on for an amazing 10 minutes.

The first Priest in sheer amazement asks: 'How did you manage to stay on so long?'

The second priest replies: ' One of my altar boys has epilepsy'.

[nexusmaximus]

i used to go out with a girl with eczema........... she had cracking tit's!

[richie the 1st]

Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike "Did santa get you that".Yes replies the little girl.
"Well tell santa to put the reflector light on it next year"& fined her £5.
The little girl looked up at the policeman & said "Nice horse you got there-did santa buy yout hat"? the
policeman chuckes & replies "He sure did" well said the little girl "next year tell santa the fucking dick goes under the horse not on top if it".

Obese black woman goes to the doctor complaining of a sore throat,
"Take off your clothes and squat in the corner please" he said.
She does ....."Now squat in the other corners "he says,
She does ...."Will this help my sore throat? she asks" bemusedly.
"No,I,ll give you antibiotices for that ... I Just wanted to know how the black leather chairs I,ve ordered will look "?.


Blonde woman to send a message to her mother overseas,
The man told her it would cost her £300 ? "I Dont have £300,but id do anything to get a message to my mother"
"Anything" said the man "YES !YES anything promised the blonde".
Follow me" said the man.
"Now get down on your knees pull down my flies,now gently take out my prick"
She reached in,and gently with both hands held his prick.The man closed his eyes and said,"well go ahead !"
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to his prick while holding it close to her lips she whispered
......"hello,can you hear me mum"?

[nexusmaximus]

what did the scottish epileptic get for christmas?........a wii fit !

[terryvanman]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!,” "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[paula4u]

I was going the buy one of them new laptops and I asked my hubbie... what do you think babes?

His reply was.... (true story) Nah, wait till they give them a way with a bag of chips!


(thats double entendre for the it guys)

[Funkycowie]

thats gone completely over my head paula

[burgerman]

[quote="nexusmaximus"]what did the scottish epileptic get for christmas?........a wii fit ![/quote]

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?..............Chuck your washing in!

(PS. I've got epilepsy, but I don't let it rule my life, or my sense of humour!)

[Normsthename]

OT
A few years ago my brothers mate who is an epileptic had a fit in his bathroom.
His leg twitched so badly while having the fit he kicked the toilet and broke the toilet and his leg in the process

Andy