Jokes

[nexusmaximus]

Paddy goes to the pet shop and asks the shopkeeper "Do you sell goldfish?"
The shopkeeper says "Yes, would you like an aquarium?"
Paddy replies "I don't really give a fuck what star sign it is!"

[terryvanman]

This is brilliantly thought out.

But if your like me, you can see more than an element of truth in this. Anyone with experience in the Armed services, or any other form of uniform, will see the umberellas that the Liberals, do gooders, and politically correct pricks of this world put up.

NELSON: Order the signal, Hardy.

HARDY: Aye, aye Sir

NELSON: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
What's the meaning of this?

HARDY: Sorry Sir?

NELSON: (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability". What gobbledygook is this?

HARDY: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist.

NELSON: Gadzooks, Hardy Hand me my pipe and tobacco.

HARDY: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments.

NELSON: In that case, break open the rum ration Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle.

HARDY: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.

NELSON: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it...
Full speed ahead!

HARDY: I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed limit in this
stretch of water.

NELSON: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's-nest
please.

HARDY: That won't be possible, Sir.

NELSON: What?

HARDY: Health and Safety have closed the crow's-nest, Sir. No harness,
and they said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

NELSON: Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay,

HARDY: He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’sc’le, Sir.

NELSON: Wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle? I’ve never heard anything so
absurd.

HARDY: Health and Safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.

NELSON: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the words. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card.

HARDY: Actually, Sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

NELSON: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.

HARDY: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?

NELSON: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy.

HARDY: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

NELSON: What? This is mutiny!

HARDY: It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

NELSON: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?

HARDY: Actually, Sir, we're not.

NELSON: We're not?

HARDY: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.

NELSON: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.

HARDY: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that, Sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary

NELSON: We must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of our King.

HARDY: Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's the rules. It could save your
life.

NELSON: Don't tell me health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?

HARDY: As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment.

NELSON: What about sodomy?

HARDY: Er, I believe that's now legal, Sir.

NELSON: In that case ... Kiss me, Hardy.

[terryvanman]

http://tv.muxlim.com/video/oQK13UM3YzI/ ... and-drive/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[johnp]

A Priest is about to finish his tour of duty, and is leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.' The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.' Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a scooter.' The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replies, 'My scooter.'

[johnp]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fellin his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?

What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'

[burgerman]

Mum and Dad sat wathcing telly with their two little boys. Dad give Mum a nudge and a wink, she says to

the kids "Me and Dad are just going upstairs for a few minutes, be good and watch the telly."

After a few minutes, one of the boys sneaks upstairs, and sees the bedroom door ajar. He peeps in,

then goes back downstairs to his brother.

He says to him "Do you want to go upstairs and see what their doing?" "Yes" says little brother, so up

they go. When they get to the bedroom door, big brother says "Before you have a look, just remember

this is the person that used to tell us off for sucking our thumb!"


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Pinnochio goes to the doctor and says "everytime me and my girlfriend have sex she complains about

getting splinters. What can I do?"

Doctor gives him two sheets of sandpaper, says "Use these three times a day and see how it goes.

Come back and see me in a week."

He goes back in a week, and the doctor says "How are things with the girlfriend now?"

Pinnochio says "Oh, I've ditched her. Got any more of that sandpaper!!"

[terryvanman]

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.


When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.


Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.


She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'


'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put ! a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'


She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.


'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)


' My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)


'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands mimicking water flowing away. It was too much!)


'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.

[SpikeOne]

Tom had been in the Police for 25 years..

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a
month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .

I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

[johnp]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS

SECTION AND SITS DOWN.



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS

TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY

CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS

THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE

BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, WHO BELONGS IN

ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.



THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO

EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M

GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."



THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST

THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE'S A BLONDE? I'LL

HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."



HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY" AND GETS UP AND GOES

BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND

ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT

ANY FUSS.



"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO

[johnp]

George, an elderly man, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within three minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the George's residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"