Jokes

[johnp]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[scootmax]

Thats a good one John....

[terryvanman]

A guy goes hunting. Just then a gust of wind blew; the gun fell over and discharged shooting himself in the genitals.
>
> Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
>
> "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
>
> "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
>
> "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
>
> "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
>
> Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

[burgerman]

Made me spit me coffee out!!

[johnakay]

A blind man walks down the high street every morning,and every morning walks past the fishmongers and shouts, "MORNING LADIES"

[johnp]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a
Gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

[johnp]

Waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.


Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

[PassionWagon]

Radio 2 joke (can't stand Moyles)

Don't eat clowns, they taste funny.

[johnp]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
Since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said. .
'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sod all like the rest of us.

And she disappeared !

[terryvanman]

TOLERANCE

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney.
I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby
promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy", and the other a topless
bar called "You Mecca Me Hot".
Next door should be a butcher shop that specialises in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit
barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs".
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret"' with sexy
mannequins in the window modelling the goods.
Next door to the LIngerie shop there would be a room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge",
It's name flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered".
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the
mosque problem would be solved.
If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...