Jokes

[nexusmaximus]

what do you call a woman with two cnuts?
.
.
.
.
..... N-DUBZ!!!!

[MarcG]

"Dad, what's a hospice?"

"About a gallon and a half Son"

Now those of you with a sharp mind like mine will get that joke straight away.... If you don't.... well....... PM me so I can put you out of your misery!!

[el burgman]

what's the difference between a teabag and the England football team?


The teabag stays in the cup longer

[terryvanman]

A SHORT LOVE STORY ........

A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping r oom on a Trans-continental train...





Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.' 'Wow!..................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f---king blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The End



CAN'T ADD MUCH !

[Funkycowie]

[terryvanman]

Target is an american store a bit like asda


My kind of guy.
>
> Tommy
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.


8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:


15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

[terryvanman]

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years....

With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer........

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.

The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’s expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FAHD. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

[richie the 1st]

For the new muppets on hear who didnt join the old site.
Taken from the old site.
Why Condons come in packs of 3.6. and 12.

John P.Buys a pack of 3
One for Friday.
One for Saturday.
One for Sunday.

Mottza buys a pack of 6.
2 For Friday
2 For Saturday.
2 For Sunday.

Ginger Phil buys a pack of 12
One for January=Febuary=March=April=May=June=July=August=September=Ocotober=November=December.

[3en]

Superman was bored, so he started flying around looking for something to do.

He flew over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. Doing the superhero 'thing' he swoops down to shut it for her. As he approaches, he glimpses Wonder Woman lying on her bed naked, squirming around and generally looking pretty sexy.

Superman started to get a bit fruity looking at her like this. After cursing himself for being a pervert, he starts to fly away.

After a while he thinks "What the hell, I could just fly in there and really quickly give her a seeing to and be out of there before she even knows! After all, I'm Superman!"

So, back he goes.

WHOOSH! In through the window... ...BAM! and he's out of there...

Wonder Woman, confused - looks up. "What the hell was that?"

The invisible man says, "I don't know but I've got a fucking sore arse!"

[terryvanman]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing..

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)