Jokes

[terryvanman]

One night an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor 'assisted living apartment', killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.

She began coolly 'Yes your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could fuck .. he could fly.'

[terryvanman]

Fabulous .... I hope common sense prevails and they only chase him to award him an MBE for initiative

Blag of a lifetime

TRUE STORY: Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25 years , then one day didn't turn up for work...Ho hum say Bristol Zoo management- Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant......Err no say the Council...That car park is your responsibility...Err no say Bristol Zoo the attendant was employed by you wasn't he....Err NO!!!!

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

[Captain-insane25]

[quote="terryvanman"]Fabulous .... I hope common sense prevails and they only chase him to award him an MBE for initiative

Blag of a lifetime

TRUE STORY: Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25 years , then one day didn't turn up for work...Ho hum say Bristol Zoo management- Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant......Err no say the Council...That car park is your responsibility...Err no say Bristol Zoo the attendant was employed by you wasn't he....Err NO!!!!

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...[/quote]
He he he, very good . For that terry, you get some Karma.

[terryvanman]

There was this guy who really took care of his body and jogged 6 miles every day.

One morning while looking in the mirror and admiring his body, he noticed that he was sun tanned all over with the exception for his penis..

So he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, stripped and buried himself in the sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

A little while later two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she nudged it using her cane and remarked to the other old lady:

There is no justice in the world, just look at that.

When I was 20 I was curious about it.

When I was 30 I enjoyed it.

When I was 40 I asked for it.

When I was 50 I paid for it.

When I was 60 I prayed for it.

When I was 70 I forgot about it.

Now that I am 80 the dammed thing is growing wild and I am too old to squat.

[terryvanman]

[quote="Captain-insane25"][quote="terryvanman"]Fabulous .... I hope common sense prevails and they only chase him to award him an MBE for initiative

Blag of a lifetime

TRUE STORY: Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park where cars and coaches can park. There was also a nice bloke with a hat and ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5. This parking attendant worked there for about 25 years , then one day didn't turn up for work...Ho hum say Bristol Zoo management- Better phone up Bristol City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant......Err no say the Council...That car park is your responsibility...Err no say Bristol Zoo the attendant was employed by you wasn't he....Err NO!!!!

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park takings for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...[/quote]
He he he, very good . For that terry, you get some Karma.[/quote]

well thank you kind sir.....I got some Karma I got some Karma I got some Karma I got some Karma I got some Karma

[scooterman]

two druggies were so drunk they used curry powder instead of heroin, they were rushed to hospital. one has a dodgy tikka the other is in a korma. scooterman.

[terryvanman]

worth a look

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fu ... D=54675122" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Whatsisname]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'When Aunty Sharon's been drinking, stay the fuck away from her!

[Whatsisname]

In these days of rising prices, why didn't anyone think of this before now?


http://petroldirect.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[terryvanman]

funny man

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