I can't walk properly, but every time I fart the room smells lovely!
Jokes
-
johnp
- Benefactor
- Posts: 2463
- Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:20 pm
- Current Ride: The Wife
- Location: Barnet
Re: Jokes
I just got a new deoderant stick today. The instructions said "REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM"...
I can't walk properly, but every time I fart the room smells lovely!
I can't walk properly, but every time I fart the room smells lovely!
Barnfields Plumbing & Property Services
-
richie the 1st
- Benefactor
- Posts: 1551
- Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2009 2:25 pm
- Current Ride: Honda sh125 Suzuki Address FL1
- Location: Strood Kent
Re: Jokes
Distraught farmer finds all his cows frozen in the snow,
He prays to god for help,a woman appears & puts her arms round his icey cows,they immediately defrost.
Thank you said the grateful farmer,are you a angel sent by god?
No says the woman .....I,m Thora Herd...
He prays to god for help,a woman appears & puts her arms round his icey cows,they immediately defrost.
Thank you said the grateful farmer,are you a angel sent by god?
No says the woman .....I,m Thora Herd...
Old honda sh125.
New Honda sh125.
Ride free,ride safe.
New Honda sh125.
Ride free,ride safe.
-
johnp
- Benefactor
- Posts: 2463
- Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:20 pm
- Current Ride: The Wife
- Location: Barnet
Re: Jokes
THE AMISH ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a wrinkled up old lady moved to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady hobbled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous looking 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..................
"Go get your mother."
An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a wrinkled up old lady moved to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady hobbled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous looking 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..................
"Go get your mother."
Barnfields Plumbing & Property Services
-
richie the 1st
- Benefactor
- Posts: 1551
- Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2009 2:25 pm
- Current Ride: Honda sh125 Suzuki Address FL1
- Location: Strood Kent
-
mottza
- Admin
- Posts: 3931
- Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2009 8:28 pm
- Current Ride: Yamaha MT 07 AMT
- Location: Essex Sunshine Coast
- Contact:
-
terryvanman
- Benefactor
- Posts: 1094
- Joined: Wed Apr 08, 2009 7:01 pm
- Location: Malta
Re: Jokes
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST THAT KIDS WERE ASKED. THE QUESTIONS ARE ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN. ;
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY , BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GRE ATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY , BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GRE ATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY
Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
-
terryvanman
- Benefactor
- Posts: 1094
- Joined: Wed Apr 08, 2009 7:01 pm
- Location: Malta
Re: Jokes
Don't you wish that you had written this?
>>
>> This was actually taken from a
>> passport application
>> and a member of staff
>> copied it,
>> as it made her laugh all day.
>>
>> Subject: Passport Application
>>
>> Dear Minister,
>> I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
>> understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
>>
>> How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address
>> and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from
>> them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I
>> was born and on what date?
>>
>> How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round
>> every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film
>> or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years
>> ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two
>> of which were with contractors working for the government?
>>
>> How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what
>> channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and
>> yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won
>> or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail
>> to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?
>>
>> You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including
>> the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd
>> years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the
>> last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration
>> forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and
>> boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms
>> that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I
>> have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for
>> re-election.
>>
>> Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in
>> Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her
>> maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be
>> absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I
>> die!
>>
>> I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But
>> between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the
>> application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is
>> going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at
>> my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate
>> the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary
>> backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned
>> rest away from all this crap.
>>
>> Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and
>> get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last
>> one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be
>> so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in
>> the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be
>> too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all
>> over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some
>> tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you
>> know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look
>> as if we are enjoying the process!
>>
>> Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
>>
>> I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over
>> ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London . I have had security
>> clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats
>> away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first
>> Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red
>> Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone
>> 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
>> who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN
>> PAKISTAN .
>>
>> Yours sincerely,
>> An Irate British Citizen.
>>
>> This was actually taken from a
>> passport application
>> and a member of staff
>> copied it,
>> as it made her laugh all day.
>>
>> Subject: Passport Application
>>
>> Dear Minister,
>> I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
>> understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
>>
>> How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address
>> and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from
>> them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I
>> was born and on what date?
>>
>> How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round
>> every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film
>> or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years
>> ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two
>> of which were with contractors working for the government?
>>
>> How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what
>> channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and
>> yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won
>> or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail
>> to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?
>>
>> You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including
>> the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd
>> years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the
>> last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration
>> forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and
>> boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms
>> that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I
>> have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for
>> re-election.
>>
>> Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in
>> Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her
>> maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be
>> absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I
>> die!
>>
>> I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But
>> between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the
>> application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is
>> going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at
>> my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate
>> the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary
>> backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned
>> rest away from all this crap.
>>
>> Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and
>> get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last
>> one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be
>> so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in
>> the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be
>> too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all
>> over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some
>> tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you
>> know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look
>> as if we are enjoying the process!
>>
>> Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!
>>
>> I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over
>> ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London . I have had security
>> clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats
>> away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first
>> Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red
>> Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone
>> 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
>> who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN
>> PAKISTAN .
>>
>> Yours sincerely,
>> An Irate British Citizen.
Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
-
richie the 1st
- Benefactor
- Posts: 1551
- Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2009 2:25 pm
- Current Ride: Honda sh125 Suzuki Address FL1
- Location: Strood Kent
Re: Jokes
I Ordered a chinese last night,when the chinese bloke said "£20 please",i said "whats the name of jordons eldest son".The chinese replied "harfey price" so i said "great here,s a tenner now piss off".
What,s the difference between PMT & BSE.???
One attacks the cow,s brain & sends it bloody mental,& the other one is some kind of farming problem.
What,s the difference between PMT & BSE.???
One attacks the cow,s brain & sends it bloody mental,& the other one is some kind of farming problem.
Old honda sh125.
New Honda sh125.
Ride free,ride safe.
New Honda sh125.
Ride free,ride safe.
-
richie the 1st
- Benefactor
- Posts: 1551
- Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2009 2:25 pm
- Current Ride: Honda sh125 Suzuki Address FL1
- Location: Strood Kent
Re: Jokes
A highly sexed beauty is enjoying a cruise in the pacific-
the boat pulls into a remote desert island,she decides to swim ashore & is comfronted by a naked castaway who speaks the same language as herself,she asks
GIRL. how long have you been here.?
CASTAWAY "i,ve lost count i was shipwrecked when i was a small boy many years ago & i have been here ever since."
GIRL " how do you exist..?
CASTAWAY."i eat friut from the trees,i catch fish & most of the day i dig for clams..?
GIRL [eyeing his great physique]What do you do for sex.?
CASTAWAY Sex- whats sex,,?
GIRL [she draws him close & demonstrates until he is exhausted]Thats sex-did you like it.?
CASTAWAY No i did not.
GIRL Why not.?
CASTAWAY Look what you have done to my clam digger...
the boat pulls into a remote desert island,she decides to swim ashore & is comfronted by a naked castaway who speaks the same language as herself,she asks
GIRL. how long have you been here.?
CASTAWAY "i,ve lost count i was shipwrecked when i was a small boy many years ago & i have been here ever since."
GIRL " how do you exist..?
CASTAWAY."i eat friut from the trees,i catch fish & most of the day i dig for clams..?
GIRL [eyeing his great physique]What do you do for sex.?
CASTAWAY Sex- whats sex,,?
GIRL [she draws him close & demonstrates until he is exhausted]Thats sex-did you like it.?
CASTAWAY No i did not.
GIRL Why not.?
CASTAWAY Look what you have done to my clam digger...
Old honda sh125.
New Honda sh125.
Ride free,ride safe.
New Honda sh125.
Ride free,ride safe.
-
nexusmaximus
- Benefactor
- Posts: 920
- Joined: Sun Mar 22, 2009 9:30 pm
- Current Ride: nexus 500-fuoco-burger 650
- Location: south herts.
Re: Jokes
Katie Price went into the Bentley showroom and ordered a top of the range Bentley, and gave the salesman strict instructions to kit it out for young Harvey's needs. Certainly!...replied the salesman, what flavour would you like the windows?
