Jokes

[johnp]

Baz that is cruel but i am still pissing myself.

[richie the 1st]

An irishman goes though the car wash,when he comes out at the other end,the attenant asks him,"£2 please Paddy,"
"How did you know i was irish.?"asks paddy.
We dont get too many coming though here on motorbikes.?

We owe a lot to the irish-dont forget,in the year 1874 it was a irishman that invented the very 1st lavatory seat,& 2 yeras later it was an englishman that cut a hole init.....

[terryvanman]

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.



As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.



As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.



One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White
began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had
somehow survived.

'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'





For a long while, there was no answer. Losing
hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is
anyone down there?'




Just as she was about to give up all hope, she
heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing;

'Vote for GORDON BROWN! Vote for GORDON BROWN!'

Snow White fell to her knees, praying, 'Oh,
thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive....!'

[terryvanman]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be flamin' deid"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...

[terryvanman]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"



"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

[terryvanman]

Australia headlines for 2030


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia's third language

Kookaburra plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 40 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica... No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 115; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a Australian drops to 150 kgs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though petrol is selling for 4532 Rupees per litre and petrol stations are only open on Tuesdays
and Fridays.

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 as lethal weapons.

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Southern Asia formerly Northern Terrority voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[terryvanman]

A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

She says,





"I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies,


"I won $10, here's $5. Now Fuck off!"

[terryvanman]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.

Oh, yes sir, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"There's a starting annual salary of £45,000, but you're going to have to go to Glasgow .."

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's where the end of the queue is."

[terryvanman]

A Valentines Gift.



A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.



He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."



So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.



The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"



He never heard the shot.



Funeral on Thursday at Noon.



Closed coffin

[johnp]

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex
game went wrong leaving him with six toy horses
stuck up his arse.

Doctors described his condition as stable.