Jokes

[smurph]

2 Alzheimer's suffers are sitting on the beach , one says to the other
go & buy two ice creams, the other one said
alright Two ice creams, i won't forget
are you sure
of course I'm sure two ice creams

5 minutes later the chap returns with two steak & kidney pies

the other chaps say 'wheres me Chips?

[terryvanman]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy. This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

[burgerman]

Bill and Ben the flowerpot men were sat in bed.
Bill says "Flobbalobbalob".
Ben says "If you really loved me you'd have swallowed that.

[Ginger Phil]

[terryvanman]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said. .

'How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up!!!

[burgerman]

[johnp]

[terryvanman]

CHILDBIRTH

Should children witness child birth?
Good question. Here's your answer.



Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy, Heidi, so he could see while he
helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was
asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her
help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled up there in
the first place......smack him again!'


If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

[rossmofo]

.

[richie the 1st]

Mick Hucknall,s been arrested after being caught shagging a rabbit.
A Police source said "he was holding back the ears" & singing "bunnys 2 tight too mention.

A Bear,a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says "if i roar in the forest,the entire forest is shivering with fear".
Lion says "If i in the jungle,the entire jungle is afraid of me".
Pig says "big fucking deal...I only have to cough,and the entire plant shits itself.