Jokes

[johnp]

[burgerman]

Little boy gets lost in the supermarket. Security guard finds him walking round crying and says "what's wrong?"
Little boy says "I've lost my Mummy" Security guard says " We better have a look for her then. What's Mummy like?" Little boy says "Big dicks and whisky."

[nexusmaximus]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his
age, in a small coastal Irish community. (Could be anywhere.. Just
setting the scene.. Probably in Kerry...)

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled
to a climax once in a while..

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't
have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother
and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty
breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big
towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man
have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice said:

"And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

..................................................................................................

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if you won Lotto?"


She says, "I'd take half then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies, "I won 10 quid, here's 5 now Fuck off!"

[johnp]

Brilliant Bazza.

[terryvanman]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green , red , orange , and blue .

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[richie the 1st]

Man making love on top of a 30 stone woman,he said "Any chance we can have the light switched off"
she said "Why ?Do you find me that repulsive ?"
He said "No its burning my bum when i go up & down"

[johnp]

[terryvanman]

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemist.


Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.




The condom has a number of patches on it.


The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.


“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.


“Six pence,” says the chemist.


“How much for a new one?”


“Ten pence,”says the chemist.




The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.




A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.




The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.



“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.

“We’ll have a new one.”

[rossmofo]

:

[terryvanman]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.


They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a
couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.


She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad
that she killed herself.



It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren
began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


So they buried Deirdre.