2 Women in a cafe.
1st woman says "I,l having a boob job",
2nd says "I Am having my twat bleached"
1 st woman says "i cant imagine your husband with blonde hair"...
Police in vestigating the stephan gately tradegy,are now questioning george michael after they found
a chocolate bar "up there" they suspect a case of careless whisper.
Faiiry liquid,s adverts have been updated to reflect moderm Britian.
"mummy why are your hands so soft?"
"because i am only 14,now shut the fuck up and eat your pot noodle".
Old honda sh125.
New Honda sh125.
Ride free,ride safe.
I think these are brilliant. I had tears rolling down my face
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker , one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got=2 0on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The Houses of Parliament and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left, there was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Gordon Brown spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
“Amen", said Brown. "Amen", said Darling.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
Man walks in the bedromm sees wife packing a case.
He asks "where you going?"
She replys " I am going too london i am heard prostitutes are getting £400 a time 4 what i do for free".
The man starts packing a case.
Wife asks "Where you going too?"
He replys.
" I Am coming too ,just too see how the fuck you are going to live on £800 a year?"
Old honda sh125.
New Honda sh125.
Ride free,ride safe.
An irishman staggers out of the pub 1 night,unzips his flys and starts pissing in 2 the fountain.
A Copper walks past and says "stop that & put in away"
The irishman shoves his cock back in to hid trousers and zips up.
The copper is about to move on when the man starts laughing,
"Whats so funny"?asks the cop,
"Folled you"says the irishman
"I May have put it away but i havent stopped pissing".
An Irishman broke in to and robbed a large shop,in Ireland last week.
He nearly got caught,the police had covered all the exits,so he escaped thought the front door.
If anyone is offended by any of these irish jokes,feel free to call the irish complaints line on
0800-1 potato/2 potato/3 potato 4
Did you hear about the irishman who bought a sleeping bag?
He spent 3 hours trying to wake it up.
Old honda sh125.
New Honda sh125.
Ride free,ride safe.
Golf Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and
the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals:
>
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.
>
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives.
>
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
>
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
>
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.
>
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
>
You must agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?
>
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me [that prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
>
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
>
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Gos, along with all the cash in your wallet [that made his day]!
>
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
>
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?
>
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
>
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
>
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
>
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
>
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
>
> Have a good day!
>
Thoughtfully yours,
> Alex
>
P.S. Remember this motto.
>
An armed society makes for a more civil society!
>
> "The future ain't what it used to be", Yogi Berra
Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
In France , at a fairly large conference, Steven Harper was asked by a
French cabinet minister if Canadian involvement in Afghanistan was just
an example of Empire building.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, Canada has sent many of its fine
young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our
borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is
enough to bury those that did not return.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
There was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a
break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt the United States has done? They have
sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the Tsunami victims. What
do they intend to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly, 'Our Carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore
facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three meals a day; they can produce several thousand gallons of
fresh water from sea water each day and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from
their flight deck. We have eleven such ships, how many does France
have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
A Canadian Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the Canadian, U.S. , English, Australian and French
Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of
Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone
was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French
Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, North Americans generally learn only English. He then asked,
'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences
rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the Canadian Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the
Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
Robert Whiting, an elderly Canadian gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by
plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport
in his carry on luggage.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked
sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
The official replied 'then you should know enough to have your passport
ready.'
The Canadian said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible. Canadians always have to show passports on arrival in
France !'
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
explained, 'Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate
this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer. Amen
