Jokes

[terryvanman]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[terryvanman]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge...
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing........

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor.

[terryvanman]

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"


"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points."



So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout.


"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.


The computer printed the following:-


1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.

3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better





Thank you for shopping at Tesco..............

[richie the 1st]

2 Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods,when paddy says "im busting 4 a shit but havet got anything 2 wipe my arse on".
Murphy says "well if you have a fiver use that,so paddy goes off for 5 mins & comes back with shit all over his hands,&clothes.
Murphy says "What the fuck happened 2 U.
Paddy looks at him & goes "have you ever tried 2 wipe your arse with 3 pound coins=5 20ps & 2 50p pieces.

[richie the 1st]

Martha lost her husbard,she had him cremated took his ashes home ,poured them out on the patio table.
Tracing her fingers though them,she spoke to him,"Bob remember the dishwasher you promised me,i bought it with your insurance money,the car you promised me,bought that and the diamond ring bought that too,.
Remember the blow job i promised you?.....Well here it fucking comes.


You cant win.
I Thought i would help out in the salvation army soup kitchen,
They got all shitty with me at the end of the night.
All i said was"Cone on hurry up some of us have got homes to go too".

[richie the 1st]

A Jehovas witness gave me am advert calender today.
Fuck me,i opened the first door and TWO of the bastards were stood behind it.

Bloke goes to the doctor having problems with premature ejaculation.
He is told when you feel yourself coming give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex.
2 Days later the doctor sees him again,and asks "how it went"
Bloke says not good,"We were in a 69 felt my self start to come,so i fired the gun.
My wife shit in my face,bit the end of my cock & the postman came out of the wardrobe with his hards up.

Patrick swayze died making it 1-0 to the actors,then Michael jackson & stephen gateley put the popstars 2-1 ahead,and now Edward woodward has died,thats the equalizer.

[richie the 1st]

Man in hotel lift,,accidently hits a womans breast with his elbow,the man apologizes,and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast you will forgive me"the woman replys."If your cock is as hard as your
elbow i am room 43.

[richie the 1st]

A Soldier asks a nun,
"Can i hide under your habit?We are off to afghanistan and i dont want to go"
After a while he emerges "Hope you dont mind me saying but you have a nice pair of legs"
The nun replies
"Look higher and you will see a nice pair of balls.....I Dont want to go either.

Just watched the news for the deaf about the floods.
The sign language woman gave up trying to expain the town cockermouth.....

Doc.Smith sleeps with 1 of his patients,in a moment of weakness,he is tortured by gulit,in 1 ear his conscience is saying"You are a single man,dont worry about it....
In his other ear his conscience is saying.
"You are vet you sick bastard.....

BBC CHILDREN IN NEED 2009!
10 Year old Jonah walks 5 miles a day to get water in the deadly heat.
£2 a month can help to teach Jonah to read & write so he can have a better life?
WARNING.Dont fall for it!The bastard then grows up enters Britian & walks 20 miles a day putting parking tickets on our fucking cars?!

[terryvanman]

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.









General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently...



Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.



Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.



In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and, when it returned, this interview was over.

[Mr Angry]

[video][/video]