Jokes

[terryvanman]

A Canadian, an Australian, and a Homsi (from Homs in Syria,or an Irish or a Belgian, etc...) are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives.

The Canadian says, 'You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and she doesn't even have a freezer !'

The Australian says, ' That's nothing! My wife went out last week to a showroom and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she doesn't even have a license !’

Not to be outdone, the Homsi says, my wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a holiday to Beirut with a pack of 20 condoms !

Hell, she doesn't even have a penis!

[terryvanman]

VERY DIRTY JOKE
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

Two guys sat in a pub.

One turns to the other one and says

"I "feck" d your Mum last night."

"We did everything"

"I "feck" d her doggy style, missionary, and reverse cowgirl"

"I then licked out her bumhole, while she fingered mine."

"Then she gave me a tit wank, while sucking my "cock", and I spunked all over her face."

The other guy puts down his pint and says


.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Let's go home Dad, I think you've had enough"

[terryvanman]

..

[johnp]

[richie the 1st]

Paddy on who wants 2 be a Millionaire,
"4 £200 says Chris Tarrant
Who was the great train robber"?
A] Ronnie Barker
B] Ronnie Corbett
C] Ronnie Wood
D] Ronnie Briggs
Paddy says"Ive had a great day Chris but i am gonna take the money"
"RU Thick" asks Chris Tarrent "you have still got 3 lifelines left"
Paddy replies
I "Might be thick Chris but i am not a Fucking grass.

[Mr Angry]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and
two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza.
The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind
Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

[terryvanman]

The population of the UK is


approximately 60 million.


32 million are retired.


That leaves 28 million to do the work..


There are 17 million in school or at Universities.


Which leaves 11 million to do the work.


Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.


Leaving 3 million to do the work.


1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan , etc


Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.


Leaving 512,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are,


Sitting on your arse,


At your computer, reading jokes.


Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

[richie the 1st]

I Was standing in a queue behind a very fat woman with a huge arse,
when her phone starts to bleep.
The little boy behind her says "fuck me she is reversing..

[richie the 1st]

A Woman went 2 her doctor 4 a full check up,as she was getting married 4 the 5th time.
After the examination the doctoer very puzzled.
"I Cant believe you married 4 times already coz you still a virgin".
She replied.
" I Can explain-1st hubby was a gynaecologist,all he wanted 2 was look at it".
"2nd hubby was a psychologist,all he wanted 2 do was talk about it".
"3rd hubby was a plumber and he kept saying he would get round to it next week".
4th was a politician and all he wanted 2 do was kiss my arse so i remained a virgin"
The doctor asked "What does your fiance do?"
She says "He is a banker".The doctor smiled and said."You will definitely get fucked this time".



Paddys is jail with a big black man.
The black man takes out his big cock,he bashes it against the toilot bowl,the bowl breaks.
He bashes it against the prison bars,the bars bend,he says"now paddy i am going to ram this up your arse"
Paddy says "thank fuck 4 that i thought you were going to hit me with it.

[nexusmaximus]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."