Jokes

[Mr Angry]

[quote="Funkycowie"]thats gone completely over my head paula[/quote]

The bag of chips I presume is RAM.

[nexusmaximus]

[quote="burgerman"][quote="nexusmaximus"]what did the scottish epileptic get for christmas?........a wii fit ![/quote]

What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?..............Chuck your washing in!

(PS. I've got epilepsy, but I don't let it rule my life, or my sense of humour!)[/quote]


Good lad!

[terryvanman]

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."


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Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your d1ck and say "well done"?


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Honestly some folk will take offence at anything...I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"


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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby

"Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"


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My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted
decking on the patio.


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Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b*llocks!!


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They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!


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Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.


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Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist

"Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b*stard."


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A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"


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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*stard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

[irev]

The indian restaurants in Britain have come up with a food aid parcel for the Haitians - they're sending pre-prepared curries comprising
Chicken BuryAuntie, NaanDead and PoppaGones...

[terryvanman]

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's.
Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.
The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds.
Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read...
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

[terryvanman]

STRIKING SUICIDE BOMBERS



Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far
failed to produce an agreement.



The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was
the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a
subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.



The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike
action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members
are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We
don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management
is a kick in the teeth."



Mr. Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out
that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce
and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an
annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure
they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for
members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real
work?"



Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,



"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting
the realities of modern-day jihad, in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of
virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing
expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd
hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow
themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were
necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. "How am I supposed to
attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector?"
asked Mr. Bin-Laden.



Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal
of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to
agree on orifice allocation quotas. One virgin, who refused to be
named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to
anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".



Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide
bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are
supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a
different union, is likely to continue working. However, some members
of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to
express solidarity with their striking brethren.

[terryvanman]

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Anna, why do you want a pay increase?'

Anna: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Anna: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Anna: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Anna: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Anna: 'My third reason is that I am a better shag than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Anna: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

[terryvanman]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for supplies and food...
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[richie the 1st]

Whats big long n hard when erect & makes a woman moan like fuck??????
An ironing board...

[richie the 1st]

2 Irishmen are making letter bombs.
Pat says"Do you think I,ve put enough explosives in this envelope"
"Dunno "says mick "open it up & see"
"But it will explode"says pat
Mick says "Dont be bloody stupid-its not addressed to you"