Taser Stun Gun...

[anonstarter]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

Last weekend I saw something at a local pawn shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 17th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION *&#(*)&!!#%)jld*(&#*#***!!!

I'm pretty sure Giant Haystacks ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-BITCH...that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there???

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return...

[MjW]

Lmfao!

That was the best read I've done for a while. Glad you tried it on yourself and no the cat though.

If there will be a best post of the year you get the 1st place.


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[jjprivate]

You should have tried on your wife, she doesnt have testicles that can get lost, lmao

[halfabusa]

oh mate, you should have had a camera running to capture you at the time of testing the taser

[Liam]

Come clean Anon
You're telling that in a Yank accent. It was an American 'cousin' of yours

[Deleted User 62]

[Funkycowie]

Thats a pretty old joke, remember reading that like 15 years ago, its always funny when I read it however

[MjW]

Thats a pretty old joke, remember reading that like 15 years ago, its always funny when I read it however

And I thought it was real. Oh well I'm gonna learn one day. :p


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[Funkycowie]

when you try the tazer for yourself?

[anonstarter]

Come clean Anon
You're telling that in a Yank accent. It was an American 'cousin' of yours

I thought it would have ruined the reading 'experience' if I'd put the title as "Taser Stun Gun Joke."

Thats a pretty old joke, remember reading that like 15 years ago, its always funny when I read it however

Rule of thumb: If what you have found is absolutely hilarious assume some has posted it already and search before posting
I have a strong memory for such things

Well, er, I'd read it 15 years and TWO months ago so ner ner nee ner ner!