Jokes

[terryvanman]

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not thy name, thy Riots come, read it in the Sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, Give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the telly, the Burberry & Barcardi, forever and ever ... Init

[terryvanman]

A Scotsman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.

"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, then ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

[Kayos]

An American pub owner decides one day to travel across to Ireland for a holiday. He got on the Are Lingus flight E102 from Michigan to Dublin and as he arrived looking out of the window he noticed a very long table with a very long white cloth. Getting off the plane he approached this table where he found an old man sitting there having a kip...

American "Hello there! Very happy to be here in Ireland"
Irish man "Eh?"
American "So what are you doing here today sir?"
Irish man "Eh well I'm selling skulls (Says it like he's saying scones)"
American "OH you are selling scones?"
Irish man "No no SKULLS SKULLS YA EEGIT YE!!"
American "Well then what skulls do you have there today then sir?"
Irish man "Well I have the skulls of many famous Irish men. I have the skull of Brian Buroo, I have the skull of Kevin kuroo, I have the skull of Kevin Fitzpatrick, I have the skull of St David, I have the skull of St Patrick, I..."
American "Wow wow, do you mean to tell me you have the skull of St Patrick?"
Irish man "Aye yes that is the skull of St Patrick right there."
American "Well I'll buy it off you."
Irish man "Okay, that would be 75 euro"
American "Shoot, any lower?"
Irish man "I'll sell it for eh 50 euro then how's that?"
American "Call it 25?"
Irish man "Eer.....Aye okay!"

So the American took the skull and enjoyed his holiday when later returning to his pub in Detroit Michigan he places the skull up on display. 15 years later he decides to go back to Ireland for a holiday, on the Are Lingus flight E102 from Michigan to Dublin. And as he arrived looking out of the window he noticed a very long table with a very long white cloth. Getting off the plane he approached this table where he found an old man sitting there having a kip...

American "Hello very happy to be back here in Ireland"
Irish man "Eh?"
American "So what is it you are selling here, skulls?"
Irish man "Aye, I'd be selling skulls."
American "Well what skulls do you have here today then sir?"
Irish man "Well I have the skulls of many famous Irish men. I have the skull of Brian Buroo, I have the skull of Kevin kuroo, I have the skull of Kevin Fitzpatrick, I have the skull of St David, I have the skull of St Patrick, I..."
American "Wow now I had bought the skull of St Patrick off you fifteen years ago..."
Irish man "Ahh yes now I remember ye! Well that is the skull of St Patrick when he was a boy!"

[Steve_D]

Teacher say's to the class "Today we're going to talk about the word 'contagious'. Who can give me a sentence with that word in it"?

Little Debbie say's "Please Miss, my cousin has chicken pox and my mummy say's I mustn't go near him because it's contagious".

"That's correct" the teacher says. "Anyone else"?

Little Stefanie say's "Please Miss, my cousin has measles and my Mummy says I mustn't go near him because that's contagious".

"Very good, anyone else".

Little Seamus says (heavy Irish accent) "Please Miss, Me and my Dad were going out the other day and we saw my neighbour painting the front of his house".

"Bejesus", my dad said, (even heavier Irish accent) "Would you look at that. He's using a one inch paintbrush. That'll take the contagious".

[Kayos]

So the other day I was paintballing with my team....
So on that day we arrived at the venue an hour early so we could get our gear sorted and make plans for the area...
So the other team arrives...
So...
So we walk in first and take positions...
So then one of de lads notices a photographer...
So then the guy with the camera stopped and called the other team in "De fuk?"
S one of the lads decides to pop his location, run down there with his sights locked onto them "What a dumb ass..."
So then he was stopped in his tracks...
We watched on, in excitement....jpeg

[Steve_D]

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[burgerman]

+1??

[rtfm]

+2???

[kayz1]

+3???

[mottza]

+4???